"Let me tell you something about Mitt Romney. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s SO embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in 8th grade, I started hanging out with Barack Obama who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to DC, and Mitt was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to listen to Obama speak, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you support my idea?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so ignorant of America’s needs?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-Democrats pool party, I was like, “Mitt, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re a Republican.” I mean I couldn’t have a Republican at my party. There were going to be Democrats there with their human rights. I mean, right? He was a REPUBLICAN. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of politics because no one would talk to him, and came back in the fall for the presidential election, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s on crack."